You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*