You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Oceanography is all about current events
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything