You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Hello Twits.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there