You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
<- sleeps well with others
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try