You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
This came to me in a dream.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
#NeverForget
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.