You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Not today.. 😂
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.