You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.