you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
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Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it