You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
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NASA has no chill
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”