You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”