You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
You Might Also Like
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.