You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
No way!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*