You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The asteroid..
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.