You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
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I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?