You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
You Might Also Like
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
This came to me in a dream.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.