You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.