You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.