You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.