Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton