You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Fiction has to make sense.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick