@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

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@checkyourfox

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

@shutupmikeginn

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

@ShawnHatosy

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

@DairylandDon

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.