You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister


My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.


Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.


Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.





Me: *gets out of pool*


If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?


Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.


The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”


When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.