You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
c’mon!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.