You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Do one person every day that scares you.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself