you can only post this today
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“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
The Others (2001)
screw you
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.