You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
oh u like geography? name every lake
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Basketball
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Jupiter
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
beware of dog