Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency