You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!