YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for