You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.