You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha