You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer