you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
You Might Also Like
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.