You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means