you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
You Might Also Like
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
(Gaming support cat.)
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
every single time
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”