You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Wait a minute
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.