You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I only eat vegetarians.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day