You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.