You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
How I like cutting carbs
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*