You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link