You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Real House Wines.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet