You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks