You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Air conditioning – not a fan
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”