You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.