You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
File under excellent bookstore names.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.