You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Customer is always right
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
They got Raph!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.