You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.