You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me too
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
is this a warning or an offer?
I can fix him.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen