@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

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@Kendragarden

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

@BuckyIsotope

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

@WienerToboggan

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

@KrunkedRobot

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

@robyn_vo

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

@TravLeBlanc

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

@Brianhopecomedy

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

@sarcasticmommy4

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.