You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.


I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.


THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.


CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening


*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure


Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.


I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.


Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.