You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
✌🏽
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Mission: Impossible
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again