You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
This guy gets it.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.