You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
They’re not wrong
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel