you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
People who think it鈥檚 okay to drop by,
It鈥檚 not okay. If you aren鈥檛 carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
This is a bad sign
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target鈥檚 still open, right?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Well, maybe they shouldn鈥檛 have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I鈥檝e even ordered.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody鈥檚 gonna die on my watch. It鈥檚 very expensive and I don鈥檛 want any blood on it
I hate when I鈥檓 cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Bring back the McRib
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 馃槑
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Jeff: I鈥檓 from New Jersey
Geoff: I鈥檓 from New Georsey
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My husband said let鈥檚 cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don鈥檛 want to share*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs