You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
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Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.